Shoshannah's Testimony

    The "Word of G-d" says, we are overcomers through the blood of the Lamb, and the word of our testimony. I wish I could say, my testimony was perfect and totally unblemished, but I cannot. Even thinking of the past, can sometimes, still hurt. Therefore, I try not to think about it so much. The only reason I'm doing it now, is in the hopes, it might help someone else.

    I was born into a family that possessed little in the way of material things. I knew what it was like to go hungry. My father and his father before him were alcoholics. That fact, caused much fighting, between my Mother and my Dad. Yet, I adored my Daddy, regardless of his very changeable moods. I was the oldest child and he would take me places with him. Many times, we would "sneak" off to the circus. To me, my Dad could do no wrong. 

    We lived right across the street from a "Pentecostal Church." Our Grandmother saw to it that we went to Church. She was a very religious woman. I saw many things no child should have to see. At this point, I was just as afraid of G-d, as I was satan. We were always told, if we did anything wrong, G-d would  strike us down, with a lightening bolt! No wonder we were afraid of Him. But, Yeshua ("Jesus") was always portrayed in a kind and loving manner. Who couldn't love Him?

    When I was six years old my Mother wanted a divorce. As a child, I couldn't understand why. My life started going down hill from that point on. There is no way to describe how much I missed my Daddy. He was the only person in my life, that I felt love, coming from. I had learned early in my life, to hide from him, when he was drinking. But, now he was gone, and I was miserable, without him. 

    Soon, my mother remarried. The moment I saw him, I couldn't stand him. After all, he wasn't my real Dad. No one would ever take his place in my heart. Her new husband was a child molester, and my sister, brother and I, were now, his victims. I told my Mother the first time anything happened. I was nine years old. She said, I was a "blankety-blank" liar, and was just trying to break 
them up. I didn't tell her, anymore. What was the use? Later, she found out he had been in prison, for raping a woman. Then, she believed me. Too much, too little, too late as the song goes! At that point, she did get a divorce from him.

    Soon, it was husband number three. Well, at least, he kept his hands to himself. We moved into a much better house, and I didn't have to be hungry, anymore. But, he was a cold and uncaring man. He didn't like children at all. We would get into trouble if we so much as laughed. Because of that, there wasn't a lot of laughter going on, in our house. I was starved for love and affection. But, I was very afraid of men. That fear remained with me for years.I tasted of rejection so often, it was almost like a revolving door, that never stopped.

    I was looking for love in all the wrong places, looking for love in too many faces (Gee, what a great name for a song)! In some ways, my life patterned my Mother's life, though I sure didn't plan it that way. Because she always put men before her children, I vowed to do, right the opposite. That's one promise I kept. 

    Because, I'm not writing a book, there is much that will be left out. Suffice it to say, my heart was broken a couple of times. I was so naive, that I believed everything, someone told me. My first husband divorced me and got remarried a day later. I really didn't think I could live through that! But, I had no choice, as there was a beautiful little girl, to think about. It broke my heart, that he could just quit loving us, but he did.

    Husband number two was no better. For ten years, I was miserable. I found out how you can be married to someone, yet be so lonely, it hurts. I had two children by him. Plus, he adopted my little girl. This man lied with every breath he took. He claimed to be a confirmed bachelor. Later, I found out, I was his eight wife. I also found out, he had been in two mental institutions. Hasatan (satan) really did a number on me with this one. In fact, he was the straw that broke the camel's back.

    More and more, I couldn't sleep. I was in a living hell on earth. My nerves were shot. Here I was, in my twenties, yet feeling like I was 100 years old! The Doctors had me on five different kinds of medicine, Thorazine, Dilantin, Stelazine, Phenobarbital and Meprospan. I, honestly didn't know, which way was up. Even with all this medicine, I still couldn't sleep! Everywhere I looked, I saw "death." More and more, I thought about dying. The only thing that was holding me back was my children. They needed me. 

    It was at this point, that I called my Grandmother, to ask her to send her Pastor to see me. When he got there, I told him my situation. Then, I said I wanted to know where I would go, if I should die. He didn't waste anytime telling me his answer. "Why sister, you would bust hell, wide open!" I asked him why he said that. He told me I should be with my first husband. I explained that I still loved him, but he was remarried. Plus, he was in jail. He then told me, I should take my children and start walking down the highway, that G-d would provide! Then, he left. He left with what little hope I did have. I had nowhere to go. Who would help a woman, walking down the highway, with three little children? I felt the darkness closing in on me!

    Three days after he came, all hell visited me. In my weakened state, physically, emotionally and spiritually, I was easy prey. After all, I had never known any true lasting happiness. I knew I couldn't change my life. I thought to myself, if I was on my way to hell, as that "man of G-d" said I was, then why put it off? To me, I was already in hell. I sent the kids out to play, and told  them to stay outside. Then, I took the five bottles of medicine, all of it. I didn't even drink any water with the pills. I got some paper out, and wrote my sister a letter. I still remember seeing, the hot drops of tears, as they splattered on the paper. As I was about to lay down, my eyes happened to notice the big, white, "dusty" Bible, on my dresser. For some reason, I got it, and placed it over my chest, as I laid back to die. All I saw was darkness, as I slipped into unconsciousness.

    I was found hours, later. They couldn't pump my stomach because the pills were all in my blood stream. I died once, but remember, nothing. All my organs should have been totally destroyed. My blood was doing some real crazy stuff. Whatever was happening with it, there were twelve blood specialists, trying to figure it out. Overnight, it became better than the average person's blood. I was labeled, "Miracle Girl," by the doctors. When I reached out for that Bible, I was reaching out for G-d. In my darkest time, He was there! My life has totally changed since then. Exactly, one month later, I received the "Ruach HaKodesh" (Holy Spirit). It happened while a song was playing that went something like this, "All my confusion, He understood. All I had to offer Him, was brokeness and strive, but He made something beautiful of my life!"

    My husband finally quit terrorizing us, divorced me, and left us alone. Two years later, G-d brought the "right" man to me. Wow, does that make a difference! We have been together 22 years, now. G-d has given us the desires of our heart. We are ministers and take Yeshiva Courses. We have a love and a heart for Israel and her People. The icing on top of the cake, that Grandmother that was so religious, I found out was Jewish. Now, so much makes sense! G-d, also  gave us a beautiful house, totally paid for, just as we asked Him to. He is faithful to His people! What made the difference? The "Word of G-d" did! Without it, I would be dead, plain and simple! Thank you, G-d for changing my life, when I couldn't! All the glory, honor, and praise goes to You!!!

Love and Shalom,

Drop by Shoshannah's Place!
Written: April 3, 2000